keeping up appearances

I’ve been feeling a strong desire to renew myself a little bit.

For many months now I have given up on makeup, given up on clothes shopping, given up on keeping up appearances because, I mean come on, who am I trying to impress? But there are legit reasons for “giving up” on these things.

I don’t wear makeup because I like my face and I feel better without it. I’m all about embracing who you are especially in the face, so to speak, of heavy body shaming that goes on in our society. I don’t NEED makeup to make me look beautiful. Sure I get pimples, but guess what? So do you! And so does everyone other person out there. There’s no such thing as flawless skin. Period. In fact I love skin that isn’t. I love seeing those black and white portraits of old people from other culture whose faces are weathered and wrinkled as all get out.
Their faces have character, they tell a story and they are intriguing. I could care less about little miss super model who has been airbrushed so thoroughly she looks like plastic. And yet that is the standard that we are pressured to achieve. Who wants to look like plastic? Who wants to look like a petroleum based product that came out of an oil well? Well not when I put it that way, amiright? And yet it’s true! Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate makeup. In fact I want to use mascara again, but only if it’s a nontoxic, natural based mascara that won’t slowly poison me over time.

Now, I haven’t given up on clothing because I want to. Cost is an issue and shopping with a toddler is…pick any word that is synonymous with “challenging”. I grew out of a lot of stuff from having a baby what ewith my weight not budging and all. It’s fine. Seriously, its all good. I appreciate my body and frame for wearing this extra weight well. But, buying clothing that fits properly is important and right now I’m in that mode.I want to refresh my whole wardrobe. I want new shirts that are pretty and jeans that fit me the way I want them to (not skin tight). I’d like moccs and a new bag from Etsy. Yeah it’s nice to want things, but cost is always an issue. I feel guilty buying clothing for myself when I know that Nate has shirts and socks that could be replaced, but I also need to remind myself that he’s a grown man and I don’t need to take responsibility for his clothing. Hannah, on the other hand, is growing like a weed and she comes first. Always.

At any rate, I’m cycling through this desire to present myself a little differently, with nicer clothes and a bit of makeup on my face. I’m also working on growing my hair out. So far it’s driving batshit crazy, I’m not going to lie. But stiff upper lip and all that. I just need to get through this awkward period in until I can wear it up. I can manage tiny pigtails, which keeps if off my neck so I think that might help me considerably. I keep picturing myself with a long side braid as motivation. I know it will take years to achieve that, no joke, but anything in between will keep me preoccupied.


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