Right now I sit here and all I want to do is cry.
I’m having a hard day. My mood is just terrible. I have zero patience. The last thing I want to do is contend with a toddler. And it makes me feel like such a bad mom. I don’t want to feel grumpy and irritable, but everything around me is just fueling the fire; Hannah’s toddlerisms that she simply cannot help, the weather, my phone, my throat (I’ll get to that).
Hannah keeps shadowing me, shoving her books in face, getting under my feet and unintentionally using my boobs (which are sore, by the way) to support her balance when she’s bouncing all over the couch. Oh and the listening, or lack thereof, makes is so difficult to corral her when we’re walking on the street. She walks through people’s yards, stops and waits for me react so that when I come after her to get her to make a move she runs away laughing. It’s all learning her boundaries and pushing buttons with her right now. Like I said, “toddlerisms”. I know she does these things because she’s two, but when my mood dives like it has today I cannot cope with it. I want to just put her in the stroller and get from A to B, but I know that letting her walk will give her exercise and a little learning through exploration as well as blow off some energy. It’s days like today where I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, like if I knew what the bare minimum was I would stick to it so as not to feel guilty that I’m not doing enough. Motherhood and PMS are like South meets South with me.
Moving on…Despite the fact that it’s overcast I’m still sweating bullets when I’m going out, which is so incredibly uncomfortable because my jeans stick to my legs, my bra gets soaked, my glasses slide down my face, and I have sweat dripping into ears and eyes. And I’m not even working out. Just walking. Pushing at least 40 lbs mind you, but it hardly feels like a workout to me. Am I even benefiting from all this walking and pushing?? Is the sweating even WORTH it?? I don’t even know.
This weather is teasing me. It makes me think it’s cooling down when really it’s still humid, which makes it feel warmer. It did dawn on me today that August is half over already. I’m counting down the days when summer is OVER. It’s been nice not worrying about rain when I take Hannah out, but I’m at the point where the discomfort of chronically sweating whether at home or out, and feeling exhausted and grouchy from being hot all the time are outweighing the benefits of summer fun. As soon as the sun hits my back my body kicks sweating into overdrive and as soon as that sun goes away it starts pouring again so that body can cool itself off all the more. I’ve been carrying Hannah’s washcloths in my bag for wiping my face, neck, and hair because I sweat that much. And because my hair is super short it gets SOAKED. I can easily look like a slicked out grease ball because my hair is wet. All. The. Time. I was through with summer at least a month ago. At this point I’m just gritting my teeth and pushing through it.
I mentioned above that my throat is frustrating me. Something is going on and I have no idea what it is. I have a history with my throat. It has scar tissue and lots of it, and recently it’s been feeling like I have something in it and I can feel it when I swallow. Several months ago I was taking Evening Primrose Oil to help with my PMS symptoms and swallowed them no problem. I’ve pretty much gotten over my caution with pill size. Now I’ve started taking EPO again and I feel them get caught in my throat. Today I gagged and threw up on capsule TWICE before just throwing it in the garbage, and that wasn’t the first time I gagged on them either. Earlier this week I was having a hard time, but now I’m thinking that there’s something going on if every single time it gags me on the way down.
So I’ve booked a doctor’s appointment for a professional opinion, let him poke around my throat to see if anything is inflamed or out of the ordinary. For all I know my thyroid is having issues, or it could be musculoskeletal. I suspected an issue with it last summer but never investigated, but later chalked all the sweating up to the fact that I’m wrapped in an extra 30ish lbs of body fat that is both keeping me warmer and making me work harder. I was a modest 135 lbs before I got pregnant. I haven’t seen that number since and despite walking everywhere and eating less processed junk I still put on an additional 10 or so pounds since Hannah was born, despite the fact that I breastfed. Everyone told me I would drop all my baby weight if I breastfed. Well, what do you say to GAINING weight, huh? Quite often thyroid issues arise after having a baby. The question is: if my thyroid is out of whack what am I going to do about healing it? I do NOT want to take Synthroid or other pharmaceuticals.
Anyway I’m feeling a little better now that I’ve written about it and laid out all my frustrations in words.