I know it’s been a while.

I’ve been in a rut and I blame winter for it. All the energy, inspiration and motivation I had to do anything has completely vanished since the summer ended. It’s frustrating as all get out. I can’t lie about that. While recognizing things could be infinitely worse (it’s not like I’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness or the like), I did make things more complicated for myself by taking up smoking yet again. If there’s any advice I can provide on that subject it’s that once you become a smoker it always rides your back like that little shoulder devil that whispers very bad ideas in your ear. I’ve quit cold turkey three times now and this attempt will make four. And I say will because I will quit again.

Just like the last time I feel compelled to quit because I can feel it affecting me physically. I’ve been wheezy and tight chested for the past two days, today worse than yesterday. While I don’t have medical advice or science to fall back on with my method I’m going to stave it off with supplements, tea, healthful food (smoothies!), and good ol’ distraction like reading and knitting. For me it’s not about the “not smoking” that bothers me, it’s the grouchies that inevitably happen within the first two-week hump. The only thing I’ve found to mitigate withdrawal symptoms of any kind is hot yoga. You sweat everything out of your pores within days and I’m convinced the poses help you mentally.

Ahh hot yoga. Something I need to take up again. Well, something I’d like to take up again. I could do yoga at home, but I’m classroom kinda gal. Besides I like bikram yoga specifically and it must be done hot, therefore doing it at home isn’t an option. I need to do it for a few important reasons: I need the deep stretch, I need to strengthen, I need to purge, I need to correct, and I need to maintain. A part of me is all stoked about it like, Yeah let’s do it five days a week at 6 am and maybe hit up a few scenting classes too. Its not totally unrealistic in terms of time. A 6 am class is very doable because I live a block away from the studio and it’s well before Nate must get and leave for work. However, how badly do I want to do that that I am willing to wake up at 5 am five times a week to accomplish this?

My back is begging me to go, though. I see my chiropractor whenever I feel its necessary. My visits barely come out of my pocket, but what good are they when I’m not putting the effort into making my body stronger and more self sufficient? See, I know all this, but acting upon it is an entirely different story. However now that the calendar year has renewed itself so have my benefits and I am itching to get in for another adjustment. I desperately need one. Everything in my upper back hurts. It hurts when I move and pick up Hannah. It’s completely unacceptable.

But the point I’m trying to make today is that I’ve reached that threshold where I’m ready to say, Okay I’m done being lazy and unhealthy. I’m done with the self sabotage. Working at a drug store for nearly eight years has opened a little window for me. I’ve been watching my regular customers age and their health deteriorate. I know who the smokers are and seeing them rely on walkers or scooters and oxygen tanks is not something I want in my future, but I know good and gooddamn well that if I keep it up over the years that is exactly where I’ll be, maybe as young as fifty. I know some healthy fifty years olds, and I don’t want to sabotage that possibility for myself.

Having said all that I refuse to make a resolution. Resolutions are dumb, in my opinion. Why do we need some time of years to set goals? Why not set goals all the time? Or when you need to, not because a time of year says you should. Resolutions are meant to be broken and unfulfilled because they don’t mean anything.

But happy new year anyway. It’s 2015. I’ll finally be turning 30.

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