oh so tired

Yesterday I was more tired than I had ever been in a long time. I worked from 8-2 and then went to my friends’ daughter’s first birthday party at the park, followed by going home and sitting on the couch and knitting for a few. That was only the second time I got to sit down. All. Day. My legs were in pain. At first it was stress I could feel down into my tendons and ligaments. My left knee was certainly not happy. Then after I sat for a bit it settled into an ache in my bones. Not fun, my friends. Not fun. Nate went to a work party and I was left with magoo, so I fed her dinner, put her to bed (which was really good about, thank goodness!), took a shower and went straight to bed to knit and read. I was out by 10. By TEN!

I’ve been tired all week. It shouldn’t really matter why. All I should do is make sure I get enough sleep and eat well so help my body cope. But, I’m curious about these things and whenever something is off I always like to pinpoint what’s causing it, so I speculate. I think I’ve been a little overzealous with the coffee, too much caffeinated coffee anyway. I’m getting that afternoon/evening crash, and I’m simply drinking too much caffeine. I used to get by with little to no caffeine and feel great. I prided myself on not being sucked into the whole culture of “I feel like a bag of shit! Time for my 10th cup of coffee to bounce back!” I’m not drinking 10 cups, but 3 is excessive to me and my poor, little caffeine ridden body. I’m remedying that by drinking half caf in the morning, though. I do like a little caffeine pick me up in the morning, so half caf is just right.

As I was writing out the last paragraph something else dawned on me. Perhaps I’m underestimating how exhausting knitting can be as a whole. That may sound ridiculous. After all I’m only just sitting there and working with my hands, how could it possibly make me feel bone tired. Hear me out. Maybe it’s not the sole reason, but I think it’s contributing. When I knit my hands get really tense holding the needles (my tension in the knitting is good though, hah!), and I use my whole arm to yarn over the needle every single stitch because I don’t have the finger movements down that you see advanced knitters use. You know, that motion all in their hands that goes so fast you wonder how they’re even knitting at all. My grandmother knits like that because she’s been doing it for so long. Anyway, I feel it in my forearms and in my right shoulder because I’ve become a right side knitter. I can feel it in my hands even now while typing, and my forearms could stand for regular stretching. So, to my point. I think because my body is working hard to recuperate from all that tension it bogs me down, like my legs, which brings me to my next idea.

Work. Work isn’t exhausting because I deal with people or handle cash, or because it’s work and it’s supposed to be. It’s exhausting because I’m standing, for 4 to 8 hours. And I’m terrible at not sitting on my breaks sometimes. In fact, I’m having an issue with my standing these days. There is a stress mat where I stand at work and I suspect that it’s too squishy. It changes my alignment and puts extra stress on my legs. I really feel it in my knees. I think perhaps my orthotics have something to do with it also since I only wear them at work and those change my alignment as well, so sometimes I’ll take my shoes off and work in my socks, but often it doesn’t help that much. I really feel better when I step off the customer service desk and onto the hard floor. Interesting, isn’t it? Anyway I’m going to talk to my management about fixing the mat situation because it’s not one mat. It’s two. It’s one very worn out mat underneath and it’s replacement on top. Whoever replaced the mat was so lazy they didn’t bother to remove the old one, they just laid the new one on top. Whenever I’m on cash I don’t feel as sore either because there’s only one mat in each checkout. However, I shall not discount the fact that I don’t work as much anymore and my stamina is gone. Work is hard on me because I’m not used to it anymore, which is a shame because it’s getting to the point where I’m not dreading it, but I know I’m going to feel like crap when it’s over. I really need to get into the habit of stretching on my breaks.

Anyway, I’m done speculating. As I said, whatever the cause of my exhaustion recently all that really matters is that I take care of myself; get lots of sleep, eat plenty and eat well. And as Dory from Finding Nemo says “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.”

🙂

Oh good! I made it back here, haha. I was standing in the kitchen making my usual bedtime milk and realized that I hadn’t given blogging a second thought. I’ve been thinking about writing. I’ve had this story churning in my head for a couple of weeks now, but it’s not really getting anywhere. I’ve been mostly focusing on two people and changing their story over and over, modifying it that it sounds less cheesy. And also ironing out certain details that would affect this apparent story as a whole. If I had the discipline and a clear idea I’d buckle down and write a bloody novel, but, alas, I have neither.

In fact, I’ve been in that weird limbo place I get sometimes where there’s no one activity I was to put all my energy into. I’ve been feeling rather exhausted the past few days anyway. I worked two days in a row *dramatic gasp* for the first time in many weeks, and as pathetic as that may sound my whole routine has been thrown. I can handle it, but my body not so much.

I’m still crazy about knitting. I even found a pattern that I’m dying to do, but requires $150 in yarn. My focus has been on buying boots (as per a previous post I’ve written), which is I finally did today, and saving money. So as much as I would LOVE to splurge on that much yarn and make the sweater of my dreams, I must be patient. I finished my cowl and it’s a lovely piece. I only made two mistakes: a little bundle of stitches that got messed up while I was starting a new ball of yarn, but isn’t that noticeable, and I bound off too tighly so one end has incredible stretch and the other does not. It’s still very wearable when doubled up like an infinity scarf and it does feel like it’s choking me a bit, however a cowl is not a scarf and, tight cast off or not, it will feel that way until it relaxes from wear and I get used to it. The alpaca wool heavenly, I might add.

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Not bad, right? I’m just waiting for my tapestry needles to come in the mail so I can weave in my ends. All eight of them 😛

I’ve also knit a sweater for the french press and have tried many many times to make another for a mug, but I just keep messing it up so I unravel and try again. But now I’m just taking a break. The practice is good, I’ll give it that, but doing the same pattern over and over is tiresome and I’d hate to get sick of knitting just as fast as I learned how to do it. So in the meantime I’m going to psych myself up for making my hat for when I get my interchangeable circular needle kit. Basically, I have a very tiny stash, but enough to allow me to make little things like a hat, boot cuffs, or gloves and maybe attempt socks. They are all expensive natural fibres like baby camel and mink, though, so I have to make them count. I think I’d like to make gloves out of the baby camel if I can find a pattern I like.

So with all the knitting I’ve put reading on the back burner, which I can’t help but feel slightly guilty about. Isn’t that weird and completely silly? At least until Wednesday when I went down to the library to return all the Sailor Moon manga I still had and was due. Just as I was about to leave I decided to take a quick jaunt through the new book section right beside the entrance/exit. These are moments that I absolutely love; when you see something you had no knowledge of previously, but know what it is and can have it immediately. I stumbled across Daniel H. Wilson’s sequel to Robopocalypse called Robogenesis. I had no idea he had written a sequel, but I knew the basis of it because I had read Robopocalypse and loved it, and it was sitting right there on the shelf waiting for me to take it out. So I left a happy camper, having signed it out knowing full well I still haven’t finished Divergent, let alone the trilogy, and I have a huge reading list as it is. But I didn’t care.

For the record, it’s not that I’m not enjoying Divergent, but I’ve been much distracted and haven’t picked it up in a while anyway AND I’ve seen the movie and feel like I pretty much know how it’s going to end anyway so I feel no urgency. I’ll finish it eventually. Robogenesis is only one book, not a series or anything.

Well, like I said before, I’m very tired so I’m going to pack it in earlier than usual. A whole half hour earlier. Better than nothing, amiright?

knitting

I haven’t been on here because I’ve much distracted by my new hobby: knitting. 

I mentioned on Facebook a desire to take up knitting so that I can could make sweaters and scarves and the like at my own leisure rather than paying for machine made crap, OR putting in lots of money for something that has quality to it. There is a brand in Canada called TNA and they make excellent wool sweaters, but at $100 a pop it’s not something I can just buy every winter. However, their sweaters are good quality and I’ve had mine, which hubby got me for my birthday, for 4 years now. The sleeves are starting to fray, but I think I could get another winter out of it, probably more. 

My grandmother showed me how to knit a couple of times in the past, but I had zero patience to keep doing it. It felt tedious to my young mind and she never showed me how to cast on or bind off to make me truly self sufficient in my knitting journey. But then again, as a kid, very few things held my attention. If it wasn’t easy I didn’t bother and at the time knitting wasn’t easy. Many years later I asked her to show me again and she was apprehensive, but I told her I’d try harder. She showed me again, but the interest just wasn’t there. I didn’t want to just sit there make scraps. Perhaps helping me choose a project would have been a better focal point. 

Well after my Facebook post a friend of mine offered me a pair of needles and some scrap yarn to make dish cloths and with YouTube the way it is these I figured I could just reteach myself how to knit on my own, not taking muscle memory into consideration at all. Lo and behold I thought knitting was the easiest thing and I finally learned how to cast on and bind off making me feel like any basic project was doable even for a complete newb like myself. So I did some practice rows and sought out videos on how to read patterns and patterns themselves. I found some channels dedicated to knitting tutorials that I started following as well. Is it weird that I like watching knitting videos? 

After finding a pattern that I wanted to do the next step was to find a yarn shop. Do you think there’s one near my home? As if!! I’m in New Westminster, which is part of the Lower Mainland, but I had to travel out to Vancouver to a yarn shop that I chose from a list off of Google. I found one called Baaad Anna’s. Clearly the name is what caught my attention first, lol. I’ve never shopped for yarn in my life, so I googled almost every yarn they listed on their website in order to get an idea of what kind of fibers they sold. I was most impressed. If I’m going to put the effort into making my own knitted goods then at least I can choose 100% natural fibers like wool or alpaca. 

So anyway, long story short I came home with a couple of skeins of baby alpaca yarn and some merino wool yarn for two projects that I wanted to work on: a cowl, and some mug cozies. I’ve started the cowl…5 times. Talk about knitting practice! I then realized that the gauge of the yarn I chose was so much smaller than the pattern I’m working off of that I needed double the skeins. It’s an expensive cowl to say the least, but it’s going to the softest, warmest thing I’ve every owned, most likely. Baby alpaca is not cheap, but I run my hands over what I’ve knitted so far and I get very, very excited. 

My mother came to visit on the weekend and she brought me more yarn: mink, camel, wool. Now I have my eyes set on mittens for Hannah, a hat, socks and slippers. I will make a sweater eventually. But I’ve been working on the cowl non stop. Any spare time I have, even when Hannah is not sleeping and bouncing around the house I’m knitting and it’s not just because I’m after a finished piece; I find knitting to be quite calming, so calming that it can make me fall asleep. Anyway, what I need to learn next is how to weave my tails into the final product, but I’m sure there’s a video on that I can watch too 😉 

a self realization of my parenting

Today was rather relaxing by comparison. There is no doubt that a toddler is exhausting. Never mind all the running around you do just to keep them busy, but their energy level is so up there all the time. It’s exhausting just trying to keep up with them. Today, not so much, though. Today was a day of a lot of TV, which I always feel guilty about. For some reason I have this ongoing guilt trip that TV is bad for her and I shouldn’t be letting her watch it, yet I see that she’s learning from her favorite shows. Her speech is picking up at lightening speed and she’s relating to the characters by learning their names and pointing out her favorites. She knows what an airport is, thanks to Bubble Guppies, though I have to say that that show is really starting to wear on me, finally.

I had a very early morning because Hannah woke up crying at 6:30, probably from a bad dream. Poor thing 😦 So I went into her room and comforted her by rubbing her back and tucking her back into her quilt to make her feel cozy and safe. It was one of those mama moments that made me feel like I was exactly what she needed. One day, when she knows how door knobs work, she’ll be crawling into bed with Nate and me. I look forward to those moments, provided she actually goes back to sleep and doesn’t try to pick my nose or something. The way I see it right now, Hannah is the type of kid who is up when she’s up, but who knows. Maybe that will change when she gets older and her sleep patterns change.

Once she settled back down I went back to bed, but didn’t want to risk falling back asleep and waking up much later, thus not getting any quiet coffee time. It’s one of my favorite times of the day when the apartment is cool and fresh from the morning air coming through our wide open windows and I can drink my coffee in peace and quiet. Hannah is very good about playing in her room quietly once she’s up. I usually wait for her to knock on her door to let me know she’s ready to come out. Sometimes she’s quiet until 10, sometimes it’s as early as 7:30 or 8. Today I got in a good two hours or so of free time and it was wonderful.

Even later in the morning we were both pretty mellow. I was happy to turn on the TV for her and just veg on the couch. I started falling asleep, but I don’t like to do that because I really do not appreciate being startled awake by little fingers prodding my face. Instead I finished another book in the Sailor Moon manga series I’m reading right now, and just the fact that I was able to read almost the entire book without being disturbed was amazing.

It was only just after noon when I decided to get out of the house. We went to Starbucks, and just as we got to the park she fell asleep on me! Well, rejoice some more why don’t I?? I was smart enough to bring my Kindle with me today. So I got in another hour or so of reading, with my tea no less. It wasn’t until later that I started to get a little flustered when I really wanted to get home after spending a couple of hours at my father in law’s place. I was hot and oh so sweaty and really did not want to wait for her to inspect every rock on the sidewalk.

Sometimes I feel like such an impatient meanie when I pick her up and put her back in the stroller whether she likes it or not. I want her to walk as much as possible to get the exercise and burn the energy, and yet more often than not I have a really, really hard time slowing myself down to her pace. It’s something that I must work at, and I am trying. Very hard.

I’m even trying to figure out what kind of factors trigger more frustration than others. Is it low blood sugar? Is it hormones? Is it just straight up discomfort? Is it impatience? Perhaps it’s all of the above. Some days are better than others. Not having a stroller helps a lot, I’ve noticed. When I have the stroller I feel like I need to walk with purpose and get from point A to point B. When I have the carrier it’s easier to meander. It’s easier for me to slow down. It’s also easier for me corral her. Nothing causes more panic and feelings of being overwhelmed when we’re trying to cross a street and she wants to wander so I’m holding onto her and I’m steering a giant stroller with only one hand. With the carrier I can run with her. I feel more carefree.

However, at some point, no matter what is going on with me she does stop listening because she gets tired or she forgets that she can’t do anything she wants, or that not everything is a game. That’s when I get the most frustrated. I don’t know why I continue to let her get to me. She’s just a two year old, for pete’s sake. I don’t know why I don’t call it as soon as she starts showing signs of rebelliousness. I keep giving her chances as if she has the mental capability to understand where I’m coming from, as if I can reason with her. This where I suck with toddlers and often feel so lost with my own. At the end of the day it’s not her that’s making me frustrated, it’s myself and the way I let her get away with things. I’m shooting myself in the foot with my own parenting, so to speak.

And this is when I really like blogging because I just had an epiphany. Parenting tactics aside, patience is something I lack, as is a lack of understanding of the age group I’m dealing with. I’m starting to explain things to her more, but I’m not sure if it’s futile or not. She’s starting to respond to my explainations with “Okay” as if she’s hearing what I’m saying, but I don’t know if it’s hitting home or not. I don’t know if it has any impact.

Parenting is hard. And whether you have other mom friends or not it’s a lonely road because every child is different. I love my Magoo to pieces and I kiss her many times every day and laugh at her silliness and hold her tight when she needs me to and when I need to. But…two years old is a tough age and I’ve been warned that three isn’t so great either. It’s so important to keep your attitude in check when you have a little one, both in the snarky sense and in the mental state of mind sense. I know all the craziness is on me and me alone. Hannah’s not doing a single thing other than being her usual awesome two year old self and all the quirks and nuances that go with it. See, at least for me, parenting isn’t hard because the child is difficult. In fact, Hannah is a pretty good kid. It’s hard because I’m getting in my own way.

Here’s one of my favorite songs that keeps me sane…

it’s coming…dreaming of wearing boots, and other fall things

This morning I can really feel autumn creeping in. The air has a chill to it. A nice chill, mind you, but a chill nonetheless. I had to keep all of my body under the blanket in the early morning because I would get cold immediately. It’s so refreshing. 

I’m a huge fan of bundling up. I can’t even explain why. I just love the idea of layering and feeling cozy. I suppose to some degree everyone is like that if they’ve grown up in a temperate climate with seasons, but I’m sure their are people who pace all winter thinking,  I cannot wait to shed all this clothing! Bikini’s FTW! I can’t wrap my head around that. Give me sweaters, scarves, and jeans any day!

I’m even getting excited about boots, mostly because this is the year that I must buy new ones and new boots are always nice. I’m an Ugg girl. I love their boots and some of their other shoes are cute too. I know they’re boots aren’t good for rain or foot support, but I had put my orthotics in my old pair and they became all the more comfortable. As for the rain issue, well, I spray them down regularly and brush out the suede. I take care of them. My Uggs lasted me 3 years, though last winter I didn’t wear them as much because I’ve worn a hole through the toe and the draft from such a tiny hole was quite noticeable. I did love them a lot though. They went with my whole wardrobe, they were the coziest things I had even owned. And usually the body can regulate its heat better when the feet are warm. I’d rather wear a thinner sweater with super cozy boots than a super thick one with flats that leave my feet cold. 

Anyway, it is T-minus 4 days until the release of the pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks. They are releasing it a bit earlier this year, which is great, but at the same time I like my seasonal things to coincide with the season its a part of so that I don’t get sick of it too quickly. However, having said that I’m eager to get to the store and buy some pumpkin puree so that I can make some homemade pumpkin scones. My local grocery store has already received pallets of squash as well. Yesterday I was able to buy a couple of delicata squashes, our favorite. They are organic too, which is great, and I got proof of that by bringing home a little green caterpillar. I decided to keep him and house him in my little plant. I don’t even care if he eats the leaves. It’s only one caterpillar and he’ll either go through a pupa stage and move on, or die so he’s hardly a threat to the plant. 

And, of course we’re at that point in the season where it’s cooler in the winter, but the sun still comes out to shine. I wonder if I can get away with wearing jeans today. 

return of the baby carrier

Over the past several days I’ve gotten into baby carrying again. I know, she’s two. She seems a little old to do that now, right? Not really.

I have a Beco Gemini and I gotta say it’s pretty fantastic. You can wear it 4 different ways, including a hip carry, and when Hannah was just a baby I found that one to be handy around the house because she wasn’t so directly in front of me that I could still do things. I know that there are parents out there who totally disagree with the forward facing carry, and so do I to some degree, BUT it’s all about leg position and support. The Baby Bjorns are terrible because they only support the baby from the hips and just let their legs dangle there. However, the Gemini keeps their knees supported even when they’re forward facing, so really their legs are in the same position whether they’re facing you or out. Hannah liked facing out once she reached that age of wonder and curiosity. I can’t remember when that was…6ish months, I guess? 

Like most carriers it can support up to 35 lbs. I wish I could justify buying a Soleil at this stage in the game because it goes up to 45 lbs, but whatever. Hannah’s pushing 30 lbs, but she’s probably 28 or 29. Come to think of it, I really don’t know. Last time I weighed her she was a little over 26 lbs, which surprised me. She felt heavier. Anyway, it’s still perfectly reasonable to carry her, and the best part? She LOVES it! I try to get her to walk, because a huge benefit to not having a stroller with me is that I feel like I have more control over her when we’re walking. But she lazes out half way and tells me she wants to be on my back! Ha! So far, when she’s being uncooperative she hasn’t fought me when I resort to putting her back in the carrier either. She’s fallen asleep once, and other times she’ll just rest her head on my back and the snuggles are just wonderful. If my thoughts are stuck on something sour she snaps me right out of it and I just enjoy the light, warm pressure of her little head between my shoulder blades. 

Now, carrying all that extra weight. Heh…about that. I’ve been getting a proper workout with my walks while carrying her. Imagine taking a walk with a backpack full of anything to make it equate to roughly 30 lbs. I’m feeling it the next day, but I can tell I’m also getting better. At first it was my hip flexors. Today it’s the back of my left knee. Proper footwear is imperative when carrying around all that extra weight. Yesterday I made the mistake of wearing the wrong shoes and now I’m suffering the consequences. Previously I’ve worn my running shoes and I felt fine after, other than the hip flexors, of course. 

The one thing I’m noticing as well, is that the carrier is acting like a back stretcher. I’m trying my best not to hunch over to displace her weight OVER my back because my core muscles are weak. Instead I’m trying to use the carrier to maintain straight posture and strengthen my core. I do feel as though the pull of the straps have opened up my shoulders in the front. I feel like I can stand up straight on my own, which is fantastic because the past couple of days prior I felt like my body was stuck in a hunched over state. Poor posture is my undoing, folks! I could exercise all I want, but if I do not fix my alignment all that exercise wouldn’t mean a thing! It is why I value yoga and ballet over other forms of exercise. It’s all about posture, holding it, communicating to your body to become familiar with it so that it carries over into your daily life. 

But, I digress! I’m really, really enjoying baby wearing again. The only two downsides to it are having to carry an extra bag with snacks and whatnot, and not being able to pick up groceries, unless I want to carry them all plus a toddler, home. I tried yesterday with just one bag of produce and it wasn’t very fun. So I’m going to have to choose my grocery days, but I’m happy with the idea of only taking the stroller because I need it for purposes other than carrying my child. Not having a stroller feels so liberating, and the closeness I get with Hannah by carrying her is so much more rewarding than pushing her around. Dare I say I feel like we’ve bonded a bit these past few days :3

**Note: This is not an affiliated post. I provided links so you know what I’m talking about. That is all 🙂 

a rough day

Right now I sit here and all I want to do is cry. 

I’m having a hard day. My mood is just terrible. I have zero patience. The last thing I want to do is contend with a toddler. And it makes me feel like such a bad mom. I don’t want to feel grumpy and irritable, but everything around me is just fueling the fire; Hannah’s toddlerisms that she simply cannot help, the weather, my phone, my throat (I’ll get to that).

Hannah keeps shadowing me, shoving her books in face, getting under my feet and unintentionally using my boobs (which are sore, by the way) to support her balance when she’s bouncing all over the couch. Oh and the listening, or lack thereof, makes is so difficult to corral her when we’re walking on the street. She walks through people’s yards, stops and waits for me react so that when I come after her to get her to make a move she runs away laughing. It’s all learning her boundaries and pushing buttons with her right now. Like I said, “toddlerisms”. I know she does these things because she’s two, but when my mood dives like it has today I cannot cope with it. I want to just put her in the stroller and get from A to B, but I know that letting her walk will give her exercise and a little learning through exploration as well as blow off some energy. It’s days like today where I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, like if I knew what the bare minimum was I would stick to it so as not to feel guilty that I’m not doing enough. Motherhood and PMS are like South meets South with me. 

Moving on…Despite the fact that it’s overcast I’m still sweating bullets when I’m going out, which is so incredibly uncomfortable because my jeans stick to my legs, my bra gets soaked, my glasses slide down my face, and I have sweat dripping into ears and eyes. And I’m not even working out. Just walking. Pushing at least 40 lbs mind you, but it hardly feels like a workout to me. Am I even benefiting from all this walking and pushing?? Is the sweating even WORTH it?? I don’t even know. 

This weather is teasing me. It makes me think it’s cooling down when really it’s still humid, which makes it feel warmer. It did dawn on me today that August is half over already. I’m counting down the days when summer is OVER. It’s been nice not worrying about rain when I take Hannah out, but I’m at the point where the discomfort of chronically sweating whether at home or out, and feeling exhausted and grouchy from being hot all the time are outweighing the benefits of summer fun. As soon as the sun hits my back my body kicks sweating into overdrive and as soon as that sun goes away it starts pouring again so that body can cool itself off all the more. I’ve been carrying Hannah’s washcloths in my bag for wiping my face, neck, and hair because I sweat that much. And because my hair is super short it gets SOAKED. I can easily look like a slicked out grease ball because my hair is wet. All. The. Time. I was through with summer at least a month ago. At this point I’m just gritting my teeth and pushing through it. 

I mentioned above that my throat is frustrating me. Something is going on and I have no idea what it is. I have a history with my throat. It has scar tissue and lots of it, and recently it’s been feeling like I have something in it and I can feel it when I swallow. Several months ago I was taking Evening Primrose Oil to help with my PMS symptoms and swallowed them no problem. I’ve pretty much gotten over my caution with pill size. Now I’ve started taking EPO again and I feel them get caught in my throat. Today I gagged and threw up on capsule TWICE before just throwing it in the garbage, and that wasn’t the first time I gagged on them either. Earlier this week I was having a hard time, but now I’m thinking that there’s something going on if every single time it gags me on the way down. 

So I’ve booked a doctor’s appointment for a professional opinion, let him poke around my throat to see if anything is inflamed or out of the ordinary. For all I know my thyroid is having issues, or it could be musculoskeletal. I suspected an issue with it last summer but never investigated, but later chalked all the sweating up to the fact that I’m wrapped in an extra 30ish lbs of body fat that is both keeping me warmer and making me work harder. I was a modest 135 lbs before I got pregnant. I haven’t seen that number since and despite walking everywhere and eating less processed junk I still put on an additional 10 or so pounds since Hannah was born, despite the fact that I breastfed. Everyone told me I would drop all my baby weight if I breastfed. Well, what do you say to GAINING weight, huh? Quite often thyroid issues arise after having a baby. The question is: if my thyroid is out of whack what am I going to do about healing it? I do NOT want to take Synthroid or other pharmaceuticals. 

Anyway I’m feeling a little better now that I’ve written about it and laid out all my frustrations in words. 

a very unsatisfying addiction

I have taken a step back from social media these past few days and I’m really noticing how much it fills my life. 

A few days ago I was feeling a little bummed because nobody was giving me any feedback on my Facebook posts. It’s been going on for a while and I’ve been mostly able to tell myself that it doesn’t matter. However, the only posts people DO care about the ones with Hannah, which is great, but I’ve taken a back stage position on my own Facebook account and so I wonder; why do I even use Facebook anymore? Oh but it’s a tool to stay in touch! Stay in touch with whom, exactly if everyone seems to just skim over what I post like it’s just more news feed filler? Well, I suppose in some ways it is, and I don’t want to sound too petty, but I’m about ready to just leave Facebook behind. I’m not getting anything out of it, except keeping up with a very select few. If I had the guts I could whittle my friends list back to maybe 10-15 people tops, keeping family and the friends that matter in my life. 

Besides, I’m under the impression that not a lot of people are using Facebook anymore either. Most of my news feed are pages, and not all of my pages either. It’s dominated by only a few because Facebook has this lame algorithm that favors pages that you actually provide feedback to, OR they’re the most popular pages collectively and so Facebook assumes that I would want to see all of their posts too. So my feed is flooded with I Fucking Love Science and Upworthy, which is great and all, but that’s ALL I see along with a few other pages that I could probably could on one hand. 

So basically the Facebook experience is lame. I’d rather get people on Instagram (or Eye Em/Flickr if I really wanted to boycott the Facebook corporation). I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, that despite how lame Facebook is, I can’t help but find myself on it checking my feed just because I can. It’s a bloody addiction, truly! I check Facebook everyday the same amount as a smoker who steps out for a cigarette. So, it’s a problem. It’s distracting, wholly and completely so. And I get nothing out of it except a couple of updates now and then that I’m glad to have caught in the mess that is my feed. I know I could personalize my feed, but is Facebook so important that I do that? Wouldn’t it just be healthier to drop it? 

So, back to my first statement. I’ve been on it sparingly the past few days and I’ve really noticed how much it has taken up my daily life because the times when I opt not to be on it because I’m doing nothing for the moment I feel this intense boredom instead. It was like that when I stopped smoking too, hence the smoking addiction comparison. My daily routines are being affected much the same way. It’s even affecting my internet usage. Whenever I’m sitting at the computer and I open a new tab and I have this impulse to automatically go to Facebook. 

And so, like when I quit smoking, I did so because it had become an active problem, not a passive one where I got quite sick and despite antibiotics my body wouldn’t get better. So I kicked it. Clearly Facebook is a problem for me, a very unsatisfying addiction, so I must kick it. Perhaps not permanently, but I would benefit greatly with restricting it to as much as only once a week. 

Well, I’m writing today just because I feel like it. I had a some minor things to write about and now that I’ve dilly dallied online for a bit it’s all left my head. Yeeeeeep…

waiting for autumn

You might think I’m crazy, or maybe you’re an autumn baby like myself, but I’m getting tired of summer. I think saying “sick” is a bit of an exaggeration. One does not get “sick” of good weather when one lives in a very temperate climate that has 4 seasons. Summer is a treat, a short lived one at that. However, sweating every day and feeling gross and uncomfortable becomes tiresome. And I’ve reached that threshold. 

A week (or maybe it was two now?) ago we had a nice reprieve. It rained off and on for a few days, the temperature turned itself down enough that we could leave the AC off. In fact, I even felt cold at one point and used a blanket whilst sitting on the couch. *legasp* It was such a nice break though. I got to wear jeans again, which I miss. I got to wear my new sweater; a real gem of a find at my local Salvation Army. I tried to wear a fashion scarf, but it was still a tad too warm for that. Alas, it was great. Nay, it was just what I needed to stop sweating for more than 24 hours. 

I am an autumn baby. Born in October it is always the time of year that I favor most; and I swear my birthday has nothing to do with it 😉 I’m old enough to be over the requisite gift giving that comes with birthdays, but I’ll never get over the changing seasons. I love the cool crispness that comes into the air and that perfect balance of temperature that is not too warm nor too cold; a time when one can wear a sweater AND a scarf and never overheat but maybe get a slight chill if the wind is right. The only thing that makes me sad about autumn is saying goodbye to leaves and greenery, but the color changes are to behold!

So here I wait for autumn. But I do try not to put too much energy into wishing summer away because I know that when it becomes cold enough for a jacket or coat I will wish that it was warmer again.